Four Days in...Vegas

I've been a bit out of sorts for the last 24 hours.  This is because I realized late yesterday that I am not living the life I had planned.  Of course, I am traveling a lot, which was what I have aspired to do since childhood, but I am no jet-setter.  However, until yesterday, I was living that life.

You now are wondering, "how can this be? And how can I, too, live the good life, like in that Kanye West song?"  Simple.  Go to Las Vegas.

Las Vegas puts the "V" in "VIP".  It also puts the "V" in "vice" and "venereal disease."  But, I digress.  You wanna roll VIP, hang out with celebrities, and party like it's your job?  Vegas is the place!  I know, since I spent the last four days there, and I am here to provide you with the tips you will need to maximize your VIP experience.

First off, plan to spend an entire day getting there, even if you live in the state of Nevada already.  Hey, if you REALLy wanna be a jet-setter, you gotta be seen at ALL the hotspots.  That's what I did.  I didn't realize this at first, so thanks to the nice folks at Delta for realizing my star potential, and rerouting me through not just one, but BOTH AIRPORTS in New York City.  Good thing I was wearing my designer $60 dress.  Gotta look fly when you're rolling on the New York subway during your 6 hour layover.  YOWZA!

Speaking of dress code, remember that Vegas is one of the few places on earth where you can dress like a skank and still look like a school marm compared to most of the people you will meet.  South Beach is also like this, and so is Berlin during the annual "Love Parade."  Then again, most of the skanks at Love Parade are men.  So, ladies, hit the local Insurrection or Pleasure Palace and pick up that bathing suit you've been eyeing - you know, the one whose top and bottom appear to be interchangeable.  You will still feel overdressed.  (**Disclaimer: If you are over 50, please disregard this paragraph.**)

Men shouldn't feel left out - the girls don't get all the fun!  There's nothing that Las Vegas loves more than a fully decked-out guido, so boys, stock up on the hair gel and gold necklaces and don't forget to wax your chest - the broads are gonna love your look!  And if you want that extra edge, don't forget to master the dance that will have all the honeys flocking your way: the "Guido Fist Pump." FUHGEDDABOUTIT!

Make sure you make reservations on the guest list for any places you ABSOLUTELY must go.  Or, in case these joints don't realize what kind of celebrity they are dealing with, use a trick I've learned over the years: disguise your voice and pretend to be your own assistant. 

While in Las Vegas, I enjoy indulging in many of the typical vices, at least the legal kind.  I restrict my substance abuse to alcohol, unless you count my addiction to Red Bull.  I'm not sure what "Taurine" is, but it sure doesn't SOUND natural.  But hey, the Red Bull Web site made it sound legit, so who am I to judge?

Anyway, the one pleasure that I exclusively reserve for trips like this is gambling, and here's my final piece of advice: STAY AWAY FROM POKER.  Unless you compete regularly on the WSOP tour, you will lose.  Plus, why do you want to sit around a table where no one will see you?  You got all decked out for the occasion, so go ahead, and join me at the craps table.  You will really look like a VIP and you might even meet a celebrity (I gambled with Clottey after the match) or few like I did.  Just don't block my roll with that giant gold medallion you're wearing.

Comments

[mrpeatie]

pics or it didn't happen.

[Peter Gulka]

I think this is all talk. You sat in your hotel room and read "To Kill a Mockingbird"

The Red Bull I can believe though.

[Road Warrior Princess]

Doubters, view the pix in the last link on this post. Sorry, I didn't photograph any of the guidos I met, though. The whole thing is true, ESPECIALLY being routed through BOTH LaGuardia AND Kennedy Airport.